Merry Christmas! Wherever you live, and whatever your personal beliefs, I hope the Christmas season brings both good tidings and blessings to you and your family.
Judging by the news, you probably feel very much in need of it. Most everyone I talk with seems at least somewhat depressed. While the reason for some is personal, familial circumstances, for the vast majority it is because of the seemingly endless stream of bad news: the stock market is cratering; Washington is in crisis; the Federal debt is exploding; and your data are probably being hacked as you read. I could go on and on, and the troubles just seem to get worse and worse.
Except that even though the headlines are bad, the world isn't imploding. The Sun came up today, and it's pretty likely to come up tomorrow. Most likely, you'll be here to see it come up tomorrow.
So even though some things seem bad, it most likely isn't anywhere near as bad as it might seem in the moment. We have lots of things about which to be happy, and to feel blessed.
Christmas is a time for gift giving. In that spirit, I want to suggest four gifts that we can give, not only to others, but especially gifts we can give to ourselves. These gifts will cost absolutely nothing, so you don't have to worry about depleting your bank account any more than you already have, but they could be some of the best ones you give and receive this year. At first, you're likely to find these gifts to be highly unusual, but upon reflection, I think you'll see they are real gifts.
Gift #1: Stop Thinking That Facts Will Convince Others to Change Their Minds
What's our natural reaction when we hear someone of a different political persuasion say something we don't like, or believe? We start reciting our favorite facts that support our position. We think our facts are persuasive, and we can't understand why they convince others to change their minds.
So we think, when our facts don't persuade them to change their minds and see things our way, we conclude these people must be stupid, arrogant, or maybe even evil!
Well, most likely, the people who disagree with us most likely are neither stupid, arrogant, nor evil, at least no more than we are. Moreover, lots of evidence suggests that people in general, especially adults, don't easily change their minds. Not only that, but people don't change their minds because they either learn that something they thought was true actually isn't, or that certain things they think are factual are actually incorrect. In short, it is REALLY HARD to get people to change their minds about things, especially deeply held beliefs.
I personally like Politifact. It takes statements made by public figures and evaluates their veracity. They have a scale that ranges from "True", all the way to my favorite: "Pants on Fire". Remember "Liar, liar, pants on fire!"? The funny thing is, some research shows that not only does the Politifact strategy of "identifying errors, mistruths, and outright lies" not effective, it may even be counterproductive. That's because some research shows that when a lie is repeated as part of an investigate into its truthfulness, the lie may become even more cemented as truth in the minds of many people. Bottom line: Politifact is entertaining, but it fails to accomplish its goal of getting people to re-think untruths.
So why, then, do we keep trying to throw our facts at others, then get frustrated when they don't "get in line" with our thinking? It may be related to the endless efforts we take to get our spouses or other family members to change the things we find annoying about them. Well, anyone who has ever been married knows that is a fool's errand. Yet we keep trying to do it!
So a great gift you could give yourself this Christmas is to stop doing this. Stop thinking that you'll persuade others to change their minds by throwing facts at them. Stop thinking they're stupid because they don't fall in line with your thinking. The reduction in frustration will be a great gift for you.
Now please understand, I'm not telling you to stop trying to be factual, just stop trying to use your facts as a weapon against others.
Instead, go back and rediscover a gift you were given at birth, but which you probably have largely thrown in your pile of discarded toys.
Rediscover your natural inquisitiveness.
Gift #2: Draw a Little Upon Your Natural Inquisitiveness
Anyone who's ever been around children know they're naturally inquisitive. Most likely, you once drove your parents nuts by all the questions you asked as a child.
We adults just somehow lose that capacity. One of the best examples of how we've lost that is our general failure to inquire why people who think differently from us think the way they do.
Ask yourself, when you hear someone express an opinion radically different from you, what was your natural reaction?
They're ignorant, stupid fools!
Liberals who can't understand why many conservatives have strong feelings about the Second Amendment, or are skeptical about climate change.
Conservatives who can't understand why a high percentage of the population thinks the idea of building a 20 or 30 foot wall across the southern USA border is a really stupid idea.
Instead of doing that, when we hear someone express a contrary viewpoint, why not revert to the inquisitiveness of our "inner child" and ask, why does the other person think the way he/she does? Is there something I might be missing myself? If so, what might that be?
The funny thing is, when one stops and really thinks about contrary viewpoints, there are often "aha, I never thought of that" moments.
The gift of inquisitiveness often provides the dual rewards of new ideas and new perspectives. It truly is a gift to any adult who rediscovers it. And it doesn't cost anything!
Now, of course, there is no assurance that even added insight will eliminate your sense of frustration at world events. Which leads me to consider the third gift we can give ourselves.
Gift #3: Focus on the Things Within Your Control
Doubtless, you've heard the Serenity Prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change/ Courage to change the things that I can/ And wisdom to know the difference." It was composed by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971). Technology developed over the past few hundred years has radically changed the world. We've developed the ability to overcome nearly every obstacle imaginable. Unfortunately, it has left too many of us with the idea that anything and everything is within our power. Too bad that just isn't the case. Intellectually, we know we ourselves can change only a few things, and we get frustrated when so many things seem beyond our grasp.
Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer is appropriate for all such occasions. Instead of getting frustrated by world, national, or even local events out of our individual control, let us take pause, and hopefully reduce our stress and frustration.
Instead, we should focus our individual attention on the things we really can change. For each of us, there are plenty of things we can and should change. A great place to start is with how we treat our family, friends, and co-workers. If you want change, let's start there, not with national and international matters largely beyond our immediate control. Why not provide the gift of ourselves at our very best? Our family, friends, and co-workers will doubtless love to see that. Each of us will, too.
Which leads me to a fourth and final gift we can each give to ourselves: the wisdom to realize the world is not composed of good and bad people, but people who are all simultaneously good and bad.
Gift #4: Try to Stop Dividing the World into Good People and Bad People
The question of whether people are basically good or bad is a very old one. Lots of traditional wisdom says, however, that individual people are neither basically good nor basically bad. Instead, each of us possesses both good characteristics and bad characteristics. We all have our flaws. Even universally reviled mass murders such as Adolph Hitler had a good side. Virtually none of us ever saw it, but it was very likely there. Please understand, I'm not in the least trying to excuse the terrible things people like Hitler have done, merely to say that the world is composed of lots of good people, and a few very bad ones, is at best a caricature.
The idea that people are basically good is a thoroughly modern one. So what's wrong with this very widely held viewpoint? The problem is that it simultaneously leads us to look for the evil in others and overlook the evil in our own hearts. If we think, on balance, that we, our family, and our friends are all basically good people, it leads us to point the finger at others rather than point at ourselves.
Now I realize, very few people enjoy acknowledging their own shortcomings. It's way easier, and more fun, to look for what's bad in others. But if we want to get along with each other, far better first to consider our own shortcomings than point out those in others. Not only that, but when we start thinking the world is composed of good people and bad people, we start trying to change, or get rid of, "the bad people". As I recall, trying to rid the world of "the bad elements" (i.e., Jews, gypsies, and other so called "undesirables") was one of Hitler's major shortcomings.
But you don't have to be one of history's greatest mass murderers to believe that we should do something about "the bad people".
Instead, think of the world as composed of people all of whom have both good and bad characteristics. Each of us has good characteristics, maybe even noble ones. At the same time, we are each flawed in different ways. While many religious traditions believe this, Christians in particular believe that because we are that way, God came to Earth in the form of a man to live, then die as an atonement for the shortcomings all of us have. Christmas is a celebration of the first appearance of God on Earth.
If we think of ourselves as simultaneously good and bad, our outlook upon with world will truly be different.
So how could this change in viewpoint be a gift? If we stop thinking the world is composed of mostly good people and a few bad ones, we'll stop frustrating ourselves with fruitless efforts to "perfect" mankind on our own. Apart from technological progress, attempts at "human progress" over the past few hundred years have done nothing but make us individually and collectively frustrated and angry. If, instead, we adopt the traditional view that people are simultaneously good and bad, and we can't do too much about our bad sides by ourselves, we may afford ourselves the gift of a little less frustration and anger.
When you think about it, these are just little bits of traditional wisdom. You've probably heard every one of them before, and you probably think you're already following them. I'd like to think I follow them regularly, too, but I know oftentimes don't, and need a reminder.
While there's lots of bad news around, the world isn't coming to an end. As you give and receive gifts this Christmas season, indulge yourself in the gifts I've described above. They are freely available to each of us, and they could help make this Christmas, and the coming year, better than you ever thought.
In whatever way you celebrate Christmas, I truly hope it is a happy and joyous time for you, your family, and your friends. I hope you derive joy from the gifts you give a receive. I hope you'll consider the four gifts mentioned above. They're freely available, and receiving them may just make your Christmas, and your coming year, a little bit better.
Merry Christmas!
